A bit of background (or... how did I (we) get here?)

I'm not sure how much people know about our struggles with fertility so far. Perhaps it will be of interest and be cathartic to share...

We started trying for a baby in Sept 2007. At the time, I was excited about it, but Blake wasn't so much. He kind of teased me a lot (like "well, SHE'S trying, but...") - I think I got mad eventually and somehow got him to understand how hurtful it was.

I think in ~March 2008, I had a late cycle - got all excited, but false alarm.

In late July/early Aug 2008, I had a positive pregnancy test - got very excited, but a follow-up test was negative, and blood work negative, and my cycle started just a few days late (I think 3). I was really, really devastated and sad. But I thought, well, from what I understand, it was a chemical pregnancy (miscarriage before you have clinical signs/symptoms of pregnancy) and most people don't even know they're pregnant yet, so it will probably be ok.

In Sept 2008, I went to a high-risk Ob/Gyn to find out if perhaps I was having a problem preventing me from getting pregnant. We talked about my age, diabetes, etc. She said I really should keep my blood sugars as normal as possible since hyperglycemia (high blood sugar) can be a teratogen (cause birth defects/problems in pregnancy), but reassured me if I keep my blood sugars fairly normal, my chances are really the same as anyone else. She suggested going to a reproductive endocrinologist for further testing. I remember she told me " I just delivered a healthy, normal baby for a 52 yr old woman; you're a spring chicken!" (I was 34 at the time) - it was encouraging.

We went to a reproductive endocrinologist later that month and started a series of tests for both of us. My testing seemed normal; Blake's counts were a little low. They said we could try *clomid to see if it made a difference. We did that for three months.

*A funny story about clomid - it made me feel crazy and act moody - I apologized to Blake one day and he said "It's ok honey - I know it's not you, it's the clomid-ia!" :) I love Blake.

The first month (Oct 2008), I responded "too strongly" and produced 7 eggs at my check (the check involved a trans-vaginal ultrasound, which is just what it sounds like and is not fun) - anyway, my doctor said we couldn't try that month because the risk of multiples would be too high.

The next month (Nov 2008), I went in for my check - it was a weekend, so with the on-duty doctor I had not met before - the first problem was that after they had me strip waist-down and wrap up in a mini-sheet, the ultrasound machine was having problems. As that happened and they were working on it, I was explaining that my response the prior month had been too strong and we were told not to try that month. As she simultaneously reviewed our chart for the first time, tried to fix the machine, and tried to mentor the resident who was shadowing her, she casually said "If the swimmers aren't getting there, it really doesn't matter...." I glanced at Blake who looked like he had just been kicked HARD in the stomach - she then ushered me down the hall in my sheet to another room, where the resident did the check, and told me something like "ok - you've got 1-2, we'll get you your injection..." I remember thinking, "WHAT injection??? No one has ever said anything about an injection...?!!!" Then I got dressed, went to the nurse's office, and was told to go home and take this shot. I had to ask for an explanation of why and found out it would trigger ovulation (release of the egg(s)) - she said we should go ahead and try. No luck. I did, however, email the nurse to tell her that I was mortified by the doctor's behavior.

Of course in Dec I had to go in on a weekend, and my appointment was with the same doctor again. Luckily, the nurse had spoken with her. She came in and seemed genuinely sorry for upsetting us so much - she kind of teared up even as I was, too. My check revealed an ovarian cyst - she suggested not taking clomid for a month or two - I decided I'd had enough of that clinic for a while and thought we could just keep trying for a while.

In late March/early April 2009, I had another positive pregnancy test, and again got VERY excited. I admit I even did the stupid/silly thing of going to buy a couple of maternity items when I was officially late for my cycle. I didn't tell as many people this time, but got so excited because if I had calculated right, and things worked out (which surely they should, right?) I would be 8 weeks at Mother's Day and get to tell people then, and would have been due around Christmas. Well, I went in for a blood test a couple of days later. I remember the nurse calling me at work ~2:45 p.m. to tell me my results were negative. I had a meeting at 3:00 p.m. with Dr. Rolfs and another physician. When she told me that, I was shocked. I asked her if she knew this was the second time this was happening to me and if she had looked at my chart; she said no, she just had a few minutes between patients and wanted to let me know - she said the doctor may want me to take something to kick-start my cycle so we could start trying again. I asked her to please call me back after she talked to him. I went to my meeting, held it together for the 20-30 min, then started to cry... make that sob... uncontrollably. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I texted my boss to tell him I was leaving - I tried to explain and he didn't say anything, which made me feel HORRIBLE and like he must have thought I was crazy. I went home, hoping maybe the test was wrong - it would have been really early, after all. But, five or six days late, my cycle started. I was really sad, angry, embarrassed, and felt silly for getting excited again. (Oh - and no one ever called me back from the doctor's office - feeling like adding insult to injury. Ouch.)

On Mother's Day, I stayed home from church and tore out the weeds and grass on the side of our driveway. We ended up planting sage and some flowers and putting red mulch down. I felt good about doing something productive instead of crying the whole day and staying in bed or watching tv on the couch.

We continued to try, but no more late cycles or positive pregnancy tests. At my sis-in-law's kids' (triplets - Josie, Braden, and Bailee) birthday party this year (Feb), I ended up talking with her and Vicki about maybe going to the clinic Danielle had gone to. They were both really positive and encouraging. I felt like I was ok with going to another doctor for a second opinion.

We went in for our appointment in early April of this year. I immediately felt calm and hopeful. He was ready for us immediately, even though we arrived early. He knew our names and had reviewed our charts. He remembered Danielle and her kids and sincerely listened as we updated him on how they were doing. He spent over an hour talking with us, listening to our concerns, and talking about our options.

I think it was about 2 weeks later we had our follow-up appointment with him. He explained that our results indicated that without any intervention, we have ~1% chance per month of conceiving ("normal" couples have a 30% chance each month) - if we tried intra-uterine insemination, it would boost our chances to 3%. He said if we tried in-vitro fertilization (IVF) with intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI), our chances would be 50-60%. He highly recommended going that route, especially given our age, since egg quality starts to decline around age 35.

We talked about it over dinner on the way home, and decided to try around August. In talking with the nurse, we found out the batch cycle for our doctor would be July or Sept, and since we'd booked our Kaua'i trip already, Sept it was!

So - here we are! Very excited, confident in the clinic we are going to and our doctor, surrounded by family and friends who are supporting us. It's a very cool feeling. Hopefully this will work first-time around; if not, it is good to know we can try again, and hopefully everyone will continue to hope along with us!

My favorite Hawaiian term is "Mahalo nui loa", which means "thank you very much" - MAHALO NUI LOA for reading our blog and supporting us!!! You're all awesome! :)