I think I am confused!

... or at least my body is! Be forewarned - if you are a guy - you will probably NOT be interested in this post and I have no qualms with you ignoring it!

Our talks :)

This ended up being quite the weekend! My mom and Tom made it and they were the life of the ward party Sat night as Patti Cake and Kactus Pete. How kind of them to drive all the way from Colorado to Bountiful to participate - it was awesome. The picture here is of them/us at the party, then today before they left (the gal who takes pictures/sends ward info out happened to walk by just before they left, and had her camera!) :)

Quick mention of some very cool people :)

Wow. I know some amazingly cool people! Here is quick mention of just a few:

Posting #2 for the day - talk for Sunday

I know - kind of weird to post twice in a day (even in an hour?) - but I'm using this to document things that I will print out/save as a journal later. :)

You mean all I had to do was ask? :)

Wow... what a difference a day makes! I woke up this morning having anxiety attacks thinking my old boss doubts my judgment - I couldn't shake it. I finally gave up, got up, got ready, and headed to the Flu Summit. When I got there, my friend Nancy sat by me and somehow we started talking about grant applications and I told her how I was having anxiety about the ELC continuation grant, and that I knew I needed help but was having trouble letting go and asking for help. She was so kind and calming, and helped me talk through what I was going to do.

Little Miss Crabby Day 2

I admit it!!! If you didn't notice, I was just plain ornery today. Between starting the day with a misunderstanding with Blake, nursing hurt feelings from yesterday, and then going to a meeting where my former boss made a couple of... shall we say... snarky remarks that seemed directed right at me, I just felt horrible inside all day.

Feelin' low... :(

I don't know what it is today - but I have felt super sad all day. Not mad at all-just sad. I'd like to say it's my hormones (and it probably is) - I know I have much to be happy about and thankful for - just can't shake the sads today.

Maybe it's partly that there is not much to do for a few weeks - just a holding pattern? Maybe it's that I'm nervous about if this will work or not - I feel confident, but understand there is a chance it won't work right off the bat... Maybe it's nothing to do with fertility issues and I'm just tired and disappointed in how the Broncos game went.

... Or maybe I'm getting nervous about talking in church this week!

I know I'll feel better tomorrow-guess I'll just let myself be today. :)

Man points and Lilac Clothing

For those of you on facebook, apologies for the redundancy. Blake believes there is a "man points" system where he accrues man points when he is nice or does generally good things for me/our house. I knew it meant trouble when the first thing he said today was "I'm going to try to burn through all of my man points today"... I said "why would you do that? Why not be nice just to be nice?" ... and he said "I don't want you to forget that I have accrued man points, so sometimes I need to spend them to remind you." He has since proceeded to try hard to annoy me all day. :( Apparently he has forgotten that my hormones are being manipulated and I'm feeling short in general (... and not just in stature!) Also I got up at 6:45 a.m. to go with the YW/YM to the temple for baptisms. I'm not a morning person - so YAWN... I felt nice and calm there, but started feeling a bit grumpy when I got home. Blake has impeccable timing in when to choose to burn his man points... or not. :)

Holy cow - it is ON...

The pharmacy just called re: the medications ordered by the RCC. Five medications for $2,619.90... whoa. So happy we can use our Flex $ for this - having $ spread out over a year makes it seem more reasonable. :)

Meds will arrive Tues Aug 31! IT IS ON!!! :)

I think I am going to run out of titles...

... for these posts! :)

Today was a little bit weird between craziness at work, the weather, and discovering "On the Road with Austin & Santino"... love it? Hate it? I just don't know!!! But that is a story for another day!

Just a quick update - Barb from the RCC called about ordering my medications. I found out that just this morning, they changed how they order meds - so I'll be getting them directly from a vendor (totally cool with me since this should mean the best price available). I was able to find out that I AM on the antagonist protocol (not "antagonistic", mind you... hee hee...) - so I'll start injections around Sept 11.

Humbled

In talking with a co-worker (my friend Theron) about our upcoming IVF, he said "well if you're doing this in September, I'm going to dedicate my Sept fast to you and Blake". I was floored (in a very thankful way!) Mind you - Theron is a Bishop in his ward, is < 35 yrs old, has 3 little kids at home, and lots of siblings - oh, and he is preparing for LOTOJA (Logan to Jackson - a 200+ cycling road race he does every year)... that he would be so kind and matter-of-fact about it when he has so many other things going on that he could easily focus on made me feel very grateful. I mean, I know people who would dedicate their fast to their upcoming bike race... when I grow up, I hope to be as thoughtful, kind, and selfless.

A pretty great day!

After being up working until 12:30 p.m. last night, I was prepared to be pretty grumpy today. I had several meetings that could have been difficult, and I knew it was likely I'd find out the forms I spent several hours on would need to be changed.

Bureaucracy (non-IVF related)

I just must comment today on the reality of submitting grant proposals at this point in the history of our Dept.

IVF class - check!

Today was a very full day. Blake has been wanting to go to the Farmer's Market in SLC, and we thought we'd hit that before our IVF class. I am shocked at how much it has expanded! I used to go weekly to buy my fruit/veggies for the week ~7-8 yrs ago - I remember it was about two rows - one with vendors, perpendicular to one with vendors and food. Vendors now encircle the park, and there are crafts plus fruits/veggies/flowers, meats, etc. PLUS lots of food vendors in the middle!!! When we were already a little nervous/stressed about the class, this equating to wall-to-wall people made us slightly more anxious. We bought some brats, corn, and jalapeno bread (to make a mean savory french toast), then called it good and headed to the class.

Counting blessings on Friday the 13th! :)

It is so easy to complain and be frustrated about things ranging from a minor annoyance from another driver to chronic pain... I know I struggle sometimes to see the positive. We have had many amazing and wonderful things happen for us this year - I keep thinking it's pretty awesome.

Forms, forms... those blasted forms!

We just spent two hours reading through various consent and informational forms, making decisions about what we would do if they freeze any resulting embryos should one of us become incapacitated, struck by lightening, injured by a lion who escapes while visiting the zoo, etc. OK - no. Not the last two. But you would think every *possible outcome was covered in these forms! Kind of exhausting.

I haven't been feeling well - I have a sharp, intermittent pain in my stomach and I feel like I'm retaining water. I am assuming this is related to either pulling a muscle or the birth control pills. Blake is convinced I shouldn't worry about it so I'm trying not to!

A bit of background (or... how did I (we) get here?)

I'm not sure how much people know about our struggles with fertility so far. Perhaps it will be of interest and be cathartic to share...

We started trying for a baby in Sept 2007. At the time, I was excited about it, but Blake wasn't so much. He kind of teased me a lot (like "well, SHE'S trying, but...") - I think I got mad eventually and somehow got him to understand how hurtful it was.

I think in ~March 2008, I had a late cycle - got all excited, but false alarm.

In late July/early Aug 2008, I had a positive pregnancy test - got very excited, but a follow-up test was negative, and blood work negative, and my cycle started just a few days late (I think 3). I was really, really devastated and sad. But I thought, well, from what I understand, it was a chemical pregnancy (miscarriage before you have clinical signs/symptoms of pregnancy) and most people don't even know they're pregnant yet, so it will probably be ok.

Special considerations for a diabetic

D'oh! Not only are the bc pills making me moody, they're making my blood sugars run high. I increased by basal rate by 0.2 units/hr (kind of a lot actually!) and am hoping I can get them back < 200. This is also making me not feel so good. I'm lucky my diabetologist is very quick to reply to email questions/help me with guidance on managing things.

Oh maybe stress from purchase orders, contracts, grant applications, and installation of a new software version could be making me run a little high too? ;) Thank heavens for super staff and co-workers who are helping with these things!

It's all good - will be doing my hula DVD tonight.

Oh... and Blake is grilling steak, corn, and veggies for dinner.... woohoo!!! :)

P.S. Worked like a charm - a little adjustment (up .15 units/hr) and I stayed between 90-100 all evening! Feeling so much better!!!

A story from our last big adventure - four little miracles

I don't think I have written this anywhere from start to finish, and thought I should put it somewhere, and perhaps it will be interesting (?) - apologies as it is not really related to the blog topic!

Before leaving for our Kaua'i trip, I was packing my diabetes stuff. I grabbed a new vial of humalog, and noticed a vial of lantus insulin - expired by 2 yrs. I NEVER bring lantus with me on trips - even though I probably should - but it really grabbed my attention and I thought, yep, I should throw that in and make sure I have a couple of syringes... just in case... (miracle #1)

When we got to Kaua'i, we went straight to Poipu Beach and got a Puka Dog, then went over and watched people playing in the water. I got really excited to go snorkeling, so we drove to our hotel, checked in (it was now late enough for that), changed into our swimsuits, and went to our favorite place - Lydgate Park. My blood sugar was running high, so I told Blake maybe I'd wear my pump in the water since it's supposed to be waterproof - he thought that was a bad idea, and, though I didn't say it, I thought he was probably right. So, I clipped it to my swimsuit to remind myself to take it off. I then ran right into the water (I think I was really jet-lagged from getting up at 3:45 a.m. and just spaced it). We swam and snorkeled, and then I realized my pump was beeping and vibrating.

Things that make you go "hmmm...."

So I think I spoke too soon about not being too bad with the birth control pills. I've been very moody today - I even started crying when I saw pictures of myself thinner (I really don't get down like that very much!) I was snapping at Blake, too. Maybe I'm just tired, but this is exactly what I remember from taking them before for acne... but no option to stop taking them now! Hopefully I will get used to it/can manage my emotions better as the month goes on! Fortunately it's only a month - not a permanent thing...

Blake seemed obsessed with talking about what the "man room" will be like for his part on retrieval day today. It was actually very funny - he said he's thinking everything will seem like it's in slow motion, and there will be cheerleaders chanting "Go Blake!" while the theme from Chariots of Fire plays. He said he is envisioning coming out after leaving his contribution to see his friends there high-fiving him. I think that's funny - and whatever is motivating I guess...? :) I know I'll be loopy so whatever!!!

I'm not planning on posting daily, but thought I should note the moodiness to remind myself in case we have to go through this process more than once!

Major paperwork - done!

The contract is signed, the payment done - we are off to the races (so to speak)... :)

Vicki (Blake's mom) came with us to our appointment - it was especially fun because people remembered her and Danielle, and she got to talk about and show pictures of Josie, Braden, and Bailee! People were happy to see how great they are doing at 7 yrs old! It made things feel happy and calmer. We are lucky to have support from our parents and siblings!

Had to get blood draws done today - mine took three sticks - one try in my arm, two in my hand (OUCH) - but they got it (finally). My new mantra is "I will drink at least 8 glasses of water a day" since I'll be getting lots of blood draws done (not my fave, but necessary!) *I blame two things for my bad veins: 1) their "memory" from when I was in the hospital - having IVs for 3 weeks I think made them dive deep and move when they sense a needle coming at them, and 2) (the more likely culprit) I think gaining weight is obviously making my veins deeper. Oops. Better get working on that hula dancing... ;)

Where we are and what's next - Aug 2010

After planning this starting in April - we are almost there!

I started taking birth control pills on Mon (Day 3 of my cycle) - I will take them until Mon Sept 6. I thought it was really funny to pick up prenatal vitamins and birth control pills at the same time at the pharmacy... maybe it was just me!

Tomorrow we go in to sign the contract/pay for the IVF/ICSI, and get some final lab work done.

Sat Aug 14 is our IVF class - 3 hrs, but just a one-time deal!

I'll post about Sept as it gets closer.

Trying out this blog business!

I was trying to figure out the best way to document this process and share it with a handful of people - this seems to be a pretty good way to go!

I'm only inviting a few people to read this - if I miss someone that you know may want to follow this little blog, let me know!