World's Worst Wife 2010

Yesterday was kind of rough. I will admit, that's because I chose to be a pain. I had anticipated, and looked forward to, at least one day of laid back pampering and babying since I was supposed to be relaxing, staying positive, etc.

Well... Blake went and got breakfast, brought me flowers, and then got sick. I think I went to take a shower because I wanted to run get a few things at the store, and when I came out, he was sitting on the couch with his polar fleece jacket on moaning. I knew he'd had some issues overnight, but they weren't that unusual for him - instead of being nice and thinking poor Blake, I got REALLY MAD since apparently my day of babying was not to be. I left and went to Target, then stopped to get lunch for us and came home.

As I walked around Target, I felt pretty crappy - emotionally and physically - I felt pretty dizzy, my abdomen feels bloated (probably leftover from the ovary stim), I felt hot, etc. I felt bad for being ornery when Blake didn't feel good.

Anyway, I came home and Blake said he was thinking of calling his mom to go to the urgent care - this made me even more mad. I can't explain why - I think in my mind he was being a HUGE baby and stealing MY day, making me have to worry about him when I needed him to attend to ME (I know, I'm sounding horrible... :( but I want to be honest). I asked if he was having trouble breathing - no. I asked if he had a temperature - a little (99.5 degrees). I asked what his symptoms were - GI, aches, chills (no sore throat or runny nose). I told him I thought it was probably a little food poisoning and they wouldn't do anything at this point anyway except maybe recommend some tylenol since it didn't seem like influenza and he was breathing ok. I asked if he'd eaten anything suspicious; he said he'd eaten a rice and meat dish that was kind of cold, and I told him that could have had a toxin or something. I told him I needed him to go lie down and take care of himself (I wasn't very nice about it) - he said he wanted to look up "symptoms of food poisoning" on the internet and I snapped and asked him if he didn't believe me or what? I said a few other things that weren't very nice, told him if his temp went over 101 degrees or his breathing got bad we'd go to the urgent care, and he went and laid down.

As I sat here I realized that I'd probably just qualified for World's Worst Wife 2010. I also was not being very positive for our (hopefully) developing embryos. I went in and asked if Blake needed some water - he said he was ok. I went in 1/2 hr later to check on him - his temp was 100.5 degrees. He said he was starting to feel better, though, and just wanted to sleep - so I left him alone. I checked on him an hour later and his temp was 99.5 degrees, and he said he was continuing to feel better.

He came out a bit later and I asked if he wanted some soup - he said he didn't - the only thing that sounded good was a milkshake. This whole time I was feeling guilty because all of these signs mean he was really sick - and every time he said he was sorry for being sick and not being able to pay attention to me I said "no you're not". Oh mean horrible wife. :( He got his milkshake and kept getting a little better.

I don't remember what time we went to bed, but I had WEIRD, creepy dreams. The first included me being at an Italian restaurant waiting for Blake because we were going to talk about splitting up. Somehow, before he got there, I snuck out because I realized there was going to be a mafia shoot out. As I was running, I ran into Blake, and he handed over our dishes with embryos to me. I started crying and telling him wait, I don't want to split up, let's go to the doctor's NOW - and was chasing him down the road. Ugh - not a good one.

Then my blood sugar was high so my pump was waking me up - I took a correction bolus and started worrying if that was going to hurt our little developing BOCs? In my haze I started worrying about the negative energy I'd been harboring - would that hurt them? It was hard to calm myself down and go back to sleep. Finally I convinced myself that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be - I just have to keep trying to keep calm, positive, and keep my blood sugars good - and some days I'll be more successful than others.

I had another weird dream once I got back to sleep - somehow I was trying to take three sets of flowers and make them into a flower arrangement to give someone in the hospital, and I was getting mad because I was trying to do this in the hospital parking lot with my mom, sister, and brother, and my mom wanted to show me something as I was working on it on the computer. I finally snapped and said "I HAVE TO GET THESE FLOWERS CUT/ARRANGED!" and she and my sister took them from me and started making the arrangement so that I'd calm down. For some reason they were putting carrots and celery into the vase, too; I started to get mad, but then thought it actually looked pretty good. WEIRD.

This morning when I woke up, I felt Blake's forehead - back to nice and cool. Phew. When he gets up I plan to apologize for my freak-out meanie behavior yesterday.

I think the two week wait (TWW) is going to be kind of rough - I'm trying to plan things to keep me distracted but I worry how things are going with the little BOCs. If all is going right, they should become blastocysts today and start to implant. I'm going to think positively today and envision that happening. It's an amazing thing how things develop - if I remember right, the cells split into two layers - half becomes the placenta/interface with the uterus, and half (eventually) becomes the fetus. I can't remember when things shift from "embryonic" to "fetal" (?)

ANYWAY we're sure not there yet. Hoping/praying our little ones are doing well, despite my freak out and a few short bouts of high blood sugars yesterday.

Blake told me last night that when he saw the picture of our embryos, he started to tear up and he couldn't stop looking at them - he didn't want to put it down. I didn't know that since I'd been loopy on valium. He's a very sweet man - I sure hope we get a baby or two here. :)

Have a great Sunday! Gotta get ready for sacrament meeting - we'll be relaxing watching Broncos/Colts this afternoon. Looking forward to it. :)